Voices
by starooo
Summary: When I was blind, I used to depend on the warmness of a person's voice. By that, I knew who was a friend and who was not. And after hearing Ruka Nogi's voice, I felt strange. I'm not supposed to be in love with my brother's best friend. RxA


**Voices**

Dedicated to:

Karla

_because she abandoned Ruka for Jiyong._

_Hahaha ;)_

_--_

It was 8 in the morning when I woke up. Too early, I thought. I sat on the couch and watched Dad pack up. We're going to Tokyo, Gakuen Alice. I missed that place. It's been 7 years since I've last been there. 7 years since I was blind. 7 years since I was imprisoned in a den. 7 years since I've been tricked into believing Persona was my brother. That he was kind. But he was actually using me as a contrivance to make Natsume follow his orders.

It has been 7 years since I've finally realized that I was living a lie all along.

I've been too innocent on my behalf. I had been blinded by words, by actions and by thoughts. He persuaded me that I was Yuki Aoi. That I was _his_ sister. That I didn't make the fire that killed a thousand people. That I didn't have to worry about anything. That there were no other people in the world, in our world, but just us. Persona Serio and Yuki Aoi.

PersonaPersonaPersona. AoiAoiAoi.

Before I knew it, I was falling in a deep slumber.

There was Ru-chan, Natsume-nii and Mikan-chan and probably lots of other people in the Academy that I couldn't remember.

There was a party. Everything was dark. Everything felt numb to me. Everything was nothing. Like how it was before. I only heard voices that called out to me. But it was Natsume and Persona's that were most proverbial to my ears.

Their voices were exactly the opposites. Natsume's was harsh, a bit loud and always aggressive. I smiled. That's my Natsume. And Persona's was cold. Cold and bitter. Yet it sounded so right to my ears. How it soothed me whenever I hear him talk to me.

It was like his voice was telling me I was not alone.

And then I heard Mikan's and Ruka's. Mikan Sakura was this girl who could make friends with absolutely everyone. Kind of like your archetypal girl-next-door. Take one good look at her and you'll probably think she's this girl who you can trust with your deepest, darkest secret.

Maybe that's why my brother is completely wrapped around her little finger. Though he's to shy to admit it, I was sure of it anyways.

And then there was Ruka Nogi. Out of all the boys who go in and out of my life, his voice probably had the strongest effect on me. One word from him and he makes me so vulnerable. Kind of like what LSD and heroin do to you. One taste and it can make you go asking for more.

That's how he was to me. To sum it all up, I am completely head-over-heels-and-back in love with him.

--

I woke up with the scent of waffles and pancakes floating, teasing and playing under my nostrils. I rubbed my eyes. "W-where are we?" I was in Dad's old yellow Mini Cooper and we've just stopped somewhere in the middle of the road.

"We're thirty minutes away from Gakuen Alice." Dad replied, handing me a waffle. "You sleep like a dog, I was afraid you'll bite me if I'd wake you up; thankfully you were awake just in time." He smiled. The kind of smile he did when his dimple appears in his right cheek.

"Har-har." I rolled my eyes. "Very funny, Dad."

He didn't reply, but looked at me through the rearview mirror. He drank his coffee. "You guys are growing up so fast."

I looked out at the window. "I guess so." Excitement stopped me from being hungry. "But we're seeing Natsume-nii now. We'll be together again and that's all that matters, right?"

"Yes." He shook the empty plastic he was holding and threw it out the window. "You're right."

I placed the untouched waffle in my bag. That's what supposed to matter to us. But I think what matters most to me was my heart. And my one-sided love for Ruka Nogi.

--

The whole thirty minutes we spent on the road was filled with me and Dad singing to radio, laughing and playing the classic 'Eye Spy' game.

We entered the Academy's gates not very long after Dad had started talking and signing papers with the guard. It was still the same building after all these years. Actually, I wasn't really missing out on anything since I saw Natsume-nii once or twice in a month. Whenever he has a mission somewhere near the town we live in, he'd make sure to drop by.

To Dad and me, seeing how Natsume-nii was in good health and doing well in the Academy was fine with us.

We were greeted by a blonde teacher when we were coming close to what I've thought to be the High school building. He told us to park the car and he escorted us to the office, or what seemed to be it.

I realized that this was my first time seeing the school grounds with my own eyes. I could see what the color the walls were, the complicated carvings on the pillars and the shape the statues were.

"You came here a bit early, you know?" Nari… Naru… Narumi was it? He offered us croissants and tea on the table in a host-like manner. "I'm really sorry about this but I have a class to go to, you can entertain yourselves for a while though." He smiled, his purple eyes glistening in contrast to the chandelier's light.

"Wait," I stood up. "Can we see Natsume-nii?"

He turned to us before leaving. "I don't know, but I'll try and call him in, Aoi."

And the door closed.

_Aoi_. The way he said my name seemed like he knew me too well. Like he knew that I was imprisoned in the den for 5 years. That I turned blind after unconsciously discharging my Alice at its limit and turning my whole town to nothing but flames and ashes. Like he knew how much I liked Ruka Nogi. How he smiles. How he secretly talks to animals in a manner he was too embarrassed to show to anyone but me and Natsume-nii. How he seemed to know exactly what I was going through. How he knew how to talk to me when even Natsume-nii couldn't seem to figure me out.

"Are you cold?" Dad called, looking at my arms. I noticed I was getting goose bumps. Maybe I was cold, maybe I wasn't. I don't really know.

"I guess so." I said. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around me. I smiled at him. "Thanks."

He kissed my forehead. He kissed me like how he did when Natsume-nii and I would come home from school with stars stamped on our hands. He kissed me like I deserved it.

Maybe I should stop thinking about how useless I was. After all this years, after knowing the truth, my conscience never left my mind. I felt that I had this responsibility over the people who died because of me. The companies that lost their money because of me. Families, hopes and dreams that the people built in that town all gone in just a blink of an eye.

Most importantly, I felt like I had the responsibility over my brother. Because of me, he was forced to get hurt, to do things he wasn't supposed to do. He was supposed to be happy. Not chained and ordered around like a dog.

My conscience never stopped telling me I was the one to blame for all this.

--

Dad was called out by someone called Jinno as I sat there for 2 minutes, or maybe 5. I don't know. I wasn't so sure.

The door opened and a girl with long dark-green hair with curls that twirled in the end came in. She stared at me like I was some kind of superstar. "Oh God! It's Aoi! Aoi Hyuuga!" She went out and called someone in the hallway. "Hey guys! You wouldn't guess what I found!"

She shouted like she was Juan Ponce de León who finally found the fountain of youth.

"Aoi!" I turned. It was Mikan! I stood up and hugged her. "You're so… big… and pretty… and perfect… I-I can't believe you were the Aoi I saw from before. I missed you!" She hugged me so hard; I didn't know what had hurt more, my chest or my lungs. I think it's probably both.

"I missed you too." I pushed her softly to catch some air. I gave a quick look at her. "Wow, you suddenly look… _different._" She wasn't wearing her hair in pigtails like before. She had them down, which I think suited her better. And like when she was eleven, she didn't have much in her chest compartment but her long legs made up for them. In her black leather shorts, her legs looked like it was going all the way to China.

"How different?"

"Different, different." We laughed. I hugged her. "You never changed. You're still the Mikan Sakura who helped me find my brother back."

"With my help of course." Ruka came in, with Natsume. I didn't know who to hug first. But my body moved on instinct and grabbed Natsume in a hug.

"Oi…Bur—" He took a deep breath and hugged me back. "Give me some space, Aoi."

I frowned. I never let go, I leaned my head on his shoulder and inhaled his scent. Peppermint and… cool water. He never had the habit of putting on cologne. He always smelled like that. I kissed his cheek. "You can always call me Buriko, Natsu-nii."

The girl from earlier, which I later knew that her name was Sumire, clasped her hands together and squealed that could probably placed any child in their worst tantrum into shame. "Sister-Complex! Natsume-sama has yet showed us another side of him!"

I rolled my eyes. This must be the annoying self-proclaimed Natsume Hyuuga and Ruka Nogi fan club president. But even everyone thought he was perfect. Maybe it was just me. But I just really couldn't see what everyone saw in him. Natsume the prodigy, the bad-ass hunk, the pyromaniac rebel, Adonis' twin. It was all so confusing to me. But even without spending so much time with him, I probably know more things about him than Mikan or Sumire does. That he usually doesn't read mangas and just looks at the pictures, or that he used to be afraid of his own Alice when he was little, or that he thinks Patrick Starfish could be better off with his own TV show.

That's how we were. Brother and sister. Sister and brother.

BrotherBrotherBrother. SisterSisterSister.

And no matter how many years we're separated, how many times I get annoyed by the constant pranks he played on me. I'll still be his little Buriko and he'll always be Natsu-nii.

Forever, together.

--

Dad came in and Natsume introduced Mikan to him and Sumire came in introducing herself. I kind of pity her, she seemed stupid or to put it in a nicer word—too slow to understand how Onii-san couldn't like her. She had a pretty face, good body and she looks nice. But Natume-nii loved Mikan. That could never change no matter how much she tried.

I knew it from the moment I saw him look at her. Every time they'd look at each other it seemed like that had the most wonderful secret in the world. It was their own Kodak moment. They were so perfect.

"Hey." I looked at Ruka. "You didn't change at all, _Ru-chan_."

He laughed. "I'll forgive you just because you're cute."

My heart started thumping loudly. I hoped no one noticed. And then I saw his smile. Those rare ones he showed only when he's truly amused at something. I loved that smile. When we were little, I was the only one who could make him smile like that. The girls in his class were jealous of me and they couldn't do anything to me because they're afraid of my brother.

And then we started chatting like how we did before. We were so attached to each other, we could pretend that I saw him everyday, that I took Alice classes with him and that I wasn't locked up in a den, that I didn't set my town on fire and that I wasn't blind and everything was all just so right to me. To us.

Like we had this little world. Just me and him. And no one, not even famous Natsume Hyuuga himself, fan-girl Sumire Shouda and her 458392 fan club co-members couldn't go in.

Just us.

And then Hotaru Imai came inside the room telling the seniors the other parents have arrived.

I immediately saw the look he gave her. It was an all new kind of look. He looked flustered and was the first to tell her they'll be ready. I saw the look she gave him.

And from that scene, I wanted to cry so badly.

Because the look I just saw between Natsume-nii and Mikan Sakura was the same look I noticed between Hotaru Imai and Ruka Nogi.

And the pity I had for Sumire Shouda disappeared. Because I realized, just after they left and just after the tears came rolling down my cheeks, we were exactly in the same situation.

And the dream that I always had in my head, the relationship we seemed to have and the little world I thought we had for our own was suddenly a dimension away.

And I felt that I was the only one thinking that we were kind of possible. That he could actually love me. That we were actually meant for each other.

That we were so perfect.

--

I sat on the back of the Mini Cooper, crying my eyes out as I waited for everyone to finish with the farewell shit they had.

Ruka noticed how red my eyes were and asked me whether I was alright. I told him I was happy. For Onii-san, Mikan, Ru-chan and Hotaru Imai.

I _pretended_ like I was really happy for them.

When my heart's actually breaking into little pieces and he's there telling me that he missed me so much which only made me want to cry because he's making me hope more.

I hated every single thing he did that morning.

And now I have to forget about that because everybody is singing in the back of the car and having a good time as they celebrated getting out of school.

I don't know whether I should be happy because I get to nag Natsume Hyuuga every time he visits home or that I'm sitting next to my blonde heartbreaker.

I'm not even so sure whether to feel anything.

Dad stopped the car in front of a river, with the train on the other side of the town and nothing but grass and trees are around us. "Welcome to your first sunset outside the Academy."

Mikan asked Dad whether they could get out of the car. Natsume didn't even wait for him to speak and dragged her out of the Cooper. And after that, they were back in their own little world.

I was so jealous with them.

Ruka grabbed my hand. "Hey," He turned to me. "You seem so gloomy since this morning."

"What do you mean?." I punched him playfully. "There's nothing wrong with me, what's wrong with _you?_"

"I thought no one would notice." He smiled sadly, laying his head on the grass, his head up looking at the clouds. "I just had my first and probably my last heartbreak today."

"What?" I spat out. "You meant Imai?" Oops. But he probably knew I noticed. You're the one breaking my heart, jerk.

"Yeah… It was _that_ obvious?"

"No, not really." I cheered him up. "I was observing you anyways, so it's pretty predictable for me to notice."

"Ah." He stared at the bunny on the sky. He had his amused smile again that showed of his dimples. Maybe the rabbit had eaten a lot of carrots. It looked so beautiful. The clouds were so beautiful, even I could say so myself. The color was somewhere between blood red and yellow orange. Just… perfect.

Not like us.

No, we could never happen.

"Did it hurt?" The heartbreak, I meant. Did it hurt you like it had hurt me?

"I don't know. I wasn't sure. Maybe." He pushed his lips together. "I kind of expected it anyways; she said she'll be going to Germany or Switzerland. She'll be someone out of my league in the future. So I thought she'll be better off without me. And then I broke up with her…"

"I see." But I couldn't. I could see how she loved him and how he loved her. I don't understand why he had to be so damn stubborn and underestimate himself? For her? She's just Hotaru Imai and he's just Ruka Nogi. I don't see the difference in that. But I guess, somewhere deep inside me says I'm supposed jumping for joy, right? He's hot, he's rich and he's single. Buy 1 take 1. But how come I'm not? Maybe because I feel bad about him. I feel bad about Hotaru. I feel bad about myself.

Why do I always have to feel bad about people? Dammit.

"I'm glad you do." He rolled around to face me; grass was sticking on his face. Even though he looked like a dirty mess, he still looks undeniably handsome to me. "You always do."

I touched his cheek and removed the grass on his face. He winced. I showed him my palm. "No harm done, Blondie."

"Hey," He pouted. "I was aiming for the jungle boy look."

We laughed and stayed there for the last few moments. And by the smell of the water, the warm breeze blowing our hairs in disarray and the orange color of the horizon, I knew this was the right time to tell him.

"You know…" This was my last chance. Besides, what's there to lose, I already had my heart broken. "…I have always liked you."

He sat up, looking at me. "_What?_" I stared at him which he knew was the you-know-what-I'm-talking-about look. "Aoi… you're Natsume's little sister." He placed his hands on my lap. I frowned.

Yes, to Ruka Nogi, I'm nothing to him but Natsume Hyuuga's messed up little sister.

And according to the rule of conduct in regards to friendship, it states that thou shall not date thy best friend's sibling foreverth.

"And if I'm not his sister? If I'm just plain old Aoi… The Aoi who lives somewhere in Kyoto... or who went to Japan as an exchange student... The Aoi who wasn't a Hyuuga. Would you like me then?"

He had his hands on the sides of my face. "Aoi…" He leaned in closer. "I just can't, okay? I've always seen you like my little sis as well, look you're pretty, you're smart and you don't have an Alice. You're a lucky girl and I could just imagine a thousand guys kneeling down in front of you asking for your hand in marriage. But Aoi, it's not going to be me. "

I wanted to cry. I held his hands and moved closer to him. "Ruka…"

"Aoi." His voice was firm. He wanted to get out of the situation. "Aoi, I can't see you that way."

I dropped my hands from his as he dropped his hands on my face. "Okay." I brushed away the tears on my face. "We'll be friends."

"I'm really sorry, Aoi." He stood up, pulling me into an embrace. "If I had the chance, I'd be in love with you."

"I'm sure you would." I hugged him back. "Just not in this world."

"Maybe not."

And he kissed me. A soft kiss on the cheek. An innocent kiss, chaste and apologetic.

I looked up at him and I couldn't stop myself. I stopped thinking about everything. Hotaru Imai, Persona, the fire, Gakuen Alice. Just like before it was me and him.

In our little world.

And then I kissed him. A soft kiss on the lips. An innocent kiss, chaste and patient.

Tears fell from my eyes when he kissed back. It wasn't something I should be happy about because as soon as we let go of each other, he looked at me and wiped away my tears and told me he was sorry. Just like what he had been telling me for the whole three minutes since I've confessed to him.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be what you've expected me to be for you, Aoi." He looked at me with his blue eyes. "I'm not good enough for you. You'll find someone a lot better than I am. Maybe two or three years more, you can move on and tell him all about me. Aoi, I love you as a sister. Friends is all that we can ever be."

I swallowed hard. I feigned a look of happiness. "I know." I tried hard not to cry. The sunset was gone, it was already dark. There were no stars and the moon was hiding under the mist of dark clouds. "I understand. We'll be friends just like what we used to be."

And that's how we'll ever be.

Now, it's just me. Me and Dad all over again. Me, myself and the darkness. My body felt numb just like it did when I heard Persona had just died, it happened a few months ago. They said someone killed him. They said he killed himself. And they said it was all just karma coming back to him. I didn't care what they said. But what he told me, when I used to be trapped in the cold den with nothing but his voice to calm me down, was what I believed in.

They said he was a murderer. Something about Yukihara... and the principal. That he was tricked. That he his emotions overpowered him. It was his voice that told me he was telling the truth. That I should trust him. How his voice grew little, how he sounded like a child who couldn't find his mother in an ocean of people. He was a nice person to me.

Persona was my friend too, no matter what he did to us. What he did to Natsume-nii. It wasn't the stories he told me that made me think so. It wasn't the food he brought to the den either.

It was how his voice sounded to me. It was genuine and it gave me a warm feeling inside.

He made me think he's not so bad after all.

That's how I overcome my blindness. It was because of the warmness of the voices I hear around me.

But what made me so happy today was how Ruka's voice sounded to my ears. How he said he was sorry.

I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. I just couldn't stop thinking that I still love him no matter how much he told me we could never be what I've expected us to be.

Because somewhere deep down in this messed up heart of mine told me that his voice was telling me to wait for him until he lets go of Imai.

I know it's wrong, but that's the only way I could do to survive this heartbreak of mine.

--

**Author's Notes:**

Wow. This was long. Longer than my previous one-shot,_ Spin the Bottle_. This is a test-fic. Like I'm trying to test whether Aoi-Ruka angst would work well with the readers.

I can't exactly picture out Aoi's attitude so I made up my own. I don't know if this will fit Aoi, but I based her attitude on her brother's and her mother's combined.

I just realized that I love to put Ru-chan in tough situations. He always gets the angst-y ones~ Poor Ru-chan. I'll just make it up to you someday! :)

Constructive criticism is welcome :)


End file.
